Resolutions 2015

So we’re in the last week of January, 2015. It’s heartening to see that 2015 has already started rushing by, giving the Dadar-dhakka-into-Churchgate-waala-chakka hustlers a run for their money. It’s also the time, till when most of us enter into post-polls mode, or as dieting people drooling over a McAloo Tikki call it, “Resolution-breaking time”.
First of all, kudos to you if you managed to last this long! On a scale of China-ka-maal to Dravid, you’d almost end up at a score of Kejriwala. On a serious note, according to facts published by world renowned scientists at the Science Congress, the average number of days a resolution would last, back in the golden times of 2500 B.C, was one Ravindra Jadeja innings. That was of course, because the local Charkhopian then was busy making flying carpets and Kim Kardashians (yes they did plastic surgery too). Not to forget teaching Pythagoras and other Greek Ramanujans basic algebra and calculus. They didn’t have time from their busy schedule, as is apparent. Nor do we, considering the tabs we have to keep on the whereabouts of our PM- where he goes, what speeches he gives, which states he captures, how many Benarasi sarees he gifts, all this while screaming “Abki Baar Modi Sarkar” and organizing Ghar Waapsi programmes for errant people.
I must admit though, that I fared even worse than Kejriwala. In fact I almost did a Kiran Bedi, right on day 2 of joining the elite party of people who took their 31st night’s chaar-botal-vodka induced resolutions seriously. And not just one, my bunch of tipsy Arnab Goswamis roughed me up into more pinky-swears than I intended to, saying my mummy wanted an answer. Here are some of the aai-shappats I ended up blurting-
“Thou shall not drink and drive”
Of course. Why should I? I’ve no interest in updating my fb profile to “In a long term relationship- with Indian Judiciary”. And also for the fact that they don’t serve pizzas in prison. Unless your name’s Sanjay bhai. In which case it’s promptly served with additional cheese toppings, called paroles. I’d rather sit back at home and watch all the drama unfold. Or as Baba Wajid quotes ever so eloquently, Mein toh Superman, Salman ka fan!

“Thou shall not fall in love”
Ahh! The joy of friendzones. And Rakshabandhan Day celebrations with your crush. And bhabhi-fication wars with your bros. And stand-up (to) slap_stick by moms. And moral policing by Rashtriya Swayam ‘Sewak’s. #TooMuchFun!

“Thou shall study 25 hours a day”
Why? Because life is a race. And if you don’t run fast, you’ll be like a broken anda. (Yes, chick-less!) Then no one will want to marry you. Then you will have to settle for a gaon-ki-kaali-chori. Then how will you get LCD TV’s, BMW’s, iPhone 6 pluses, fully automatic SAMSUNG washing machines, Goan gold mines in dowry? And plus, Sharmaji kya kahenge?

“Thou shall not offend other religions”
I must admit, I’ve inadvertently been guilty of misusing my linguistic prowess. My words have been able to shake and break entire religions, I have been able to insult God while saying the truth and managed to hack into the indigenous business models of sadhu-baba jholas. But I do not wish to rot in hell for my ‘sins’. Hence, I must blindly follow all rituals preached to me, because, as my buaji shrieks, “Bade buzurgo ne kuch soch samajhke riti-riwaz banaye hoge na!”

“Thou shall keep India clean”
Because Modiji has asked us to! And why not? It’s the most happening thing in up-class Bandra hippie-clubs. Brushing away leaves off the pavementis the new cool. And it’s not tough at all to be a part of the trend! Especially if you’re a politico babu. All you have to do is contact your local Kachrawala instructing him to drop off some stuff on the pavement along the road to the dump yard. Next, arrange for a Harry Potter-ishtyle broomstick and a ZeeNews photographer. Voila! The next thing you know, you’re the coolest hippie-bro in the area! And for lesser mortals like us common men, all you require is a selfie. On fb. And instagram. And twitter. And tumblr. Not to forget, WhatsApp dp’s and statuses. #Awesome#day#with#besties #ILoveIndia #AbkiBaarModiSarkar #Swag
I faintly remember having uttered more s**t, like “My resolution is 1080p FullHD, though I don’t quite recollect it. Nonetheless, I diligently followed all my aai-shappats for about 2 weeks, or an average anticorruption movement. After which I realized, I was being sermonically throttled by demons in my own head, who’ve now been exorcised. So then, I’ve been pat-pratarshified. I now realize how futile my endeavours at upkeeping these resolutions were. After all, yeh India hai boss. Idhar toh aisa-ich chalta aaya hai, aur aisa-ich chalega!


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