Mein Kampf

Now before the internet police catches up with me and brands me a Nazi (for allegedly endorsing Hitler’s autobiography with the same title), or the government initiates a Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan to clean up social media, I’d like to clarify that this piece’s title is, in no way, an attempt to indoctrinate the youth of India with German words that sound like an Aloknath bhajan on steroids. Nor is it a well-crafted ploy to plagiarize foreign content and sell it off as “Made in India”. (Now that I think of it, it could actually land me quite a few producers in Bollywood. Or worse, a Pritam song.)
This piece is just a shot at encapitulating the struggle that every writer goes through in his lifetime, and what comes out of it. Or as Chetan Bhagat calls it, ‘Half Girlfriend’ (pun not intended).Indeed, not many people can relate to incidents where the mind just stops thinking of stuff to think, and the pen to write. Incidents cute 15-year olds pronounce lovingly as “exams”. There are phases, where even great and established writers fail to produce anything noteworthy, termed as “Writer’s Block” in English (which, in desi parlance, is referred to as “Abki Baar UPA Sarkar”)
And not to boast or anything, but I’ve had my share of these blocks too. The most recent one, which started with my previous blog and ended with this one, a 4-month period I’d like to term, with all due respects to the great man, an “average Dravid innings”. Pads on, at the crease, and all I did the whole day was lift my pen for a few seconds, then sulk back to my place. It really made me respect the virtue of patience even more, because, well, sometimes just watching a Sajid Khan movie isn’t enough.
So what did I do all this while, when words decided to play hide-and-seek with my mind? Some of my blokes suggested I start looking at other great writer’s pieces, and try to get inspired from them, which was basically a metaphorical way of saying “Go leer at other guys’ girlfriends and see their amazing love life straight off redtube while it makes you feel ridiculous about yourself and makes you wail ‘tadap tadap ke is dil se aah nikalti rahi’ till you start getting convulsions like Rahul Mahajan and die!”. Some also suggested I try my hand at other stuff like photography, painting, singing, dancing, cooking, weightlifting, and anything they could think of doing with my remaining hand till I got married. (Just to deny speculations of what my one hand would be upto, it would still be used for ACADEMIC PURPOSES ONLY). Of course, I didn’t listen to them, as I was busy watching the Bhojpuri-dubbed version of Tom Cruise’s epic Knight and Day, called “Bhainga Bhainga” by one of the local autowallahs at Sakinaka.
Ultimately, I paid heed to one of my buddies and tried my hand at shooting. Photos. It started off well initially and it was great fun pointing my phone camera at random objects and make people wonder if I’ve gone mad, or worse, that they are missing out on something I’d seen and those lesser mortals hadn’t! Which was all hilarious, till the day I got kicked in ‘that area’ by a girl who thought I was making a J-lo video of her backside, while actually, I only intended to capture the cute pussy behind.
This really made me wonder if there was anything I could do in my life. In fact I’d started to believe that I ws a born loser. Till, of course, SRK rescued me like one of his eager-to-board-running-train-but-not-by-the-door-beside-me heroines. Had it not been for his epic film with the immensely-talented Abhishek Bachhan, I’d have never realized what a b**ch thing destiny is, and how it change by doing stuff like-wait for ir-*cough* *choke* *gasp* ‘Happy New Year’. Really, life had been one long struggle before this movie, and I’m sure that,s how it’s going to continue to be….for Abhishek Bachhan. *vomit*
So here I am now, after all these struggles, fits, emotional outbursts, mental trauma, or as they say, a ‘Sajid Khan-esque experience’. Call me a Himmatwala, as I’m back to being a Humshakal of me in my prime, when my folks used to lovingly call me a ‘Joker’. I’m making my second comeback now, in the same year, which puts me in the elite club alongside greats like Ishant Sharma and…uhh…..
However, much like the average China-ka-maal, I’m not sure how long I’ll last. Maybe a Sallu weekend? Who knows? Or as Shree-Sant AlokNathji proclaims, “Honi ko koun taal sakta hai?”


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